Things have been weird lately. I think I'm in a strange time of my life. (That kind of just reminded me of the very end of Fight Club, when Tyler Durden tells Marla Singer: "You met me at a very strange time in my life." Granted, I have not gone so far off the deep end that I have created an alter ego. Not yet, anyway.) I have no idea what I want, and I can't help but think I'm sort of lost in my direction - like I'm bobbing out at sea, just waiting. Waiting for a ship to come save me, or the shoreline to show up, or a shark to come and eat me. That last little line was supposed to be a joke, to assure you that although I may feel lost, I do not feel helpless. Or hopeless. I think I just have to make decisions in my life right now that I do not know how to make.
Do you know what would be great? If money wasn't such a big deal. I hate how important money is. I know it doesn't make you happy, but damn, doesn't it make things easier?
Do you know what else would be great? If we could spend our days doing all the things our heart desired. Really. Think about it. How often do we do exactly what we feel like doing? I think my days would include an endless supply of my favorite snacks (because I like snacks better than meals): avocados, cheese and apples, pistachios, grapes, cookie dough, chips and salsa, slices of raw potatoes, yeah, that's right, raw potatoes, and plenty of Dr. Pepper, of course....and there would be hours spent reading and swinging on the hammock in my front lawn (without me becoming sunburned, that is) and I would do something new and exciting every day...a new adventure to be had. Because how boring is life without experiences?
And I would write all the time, (Because as of late I have been a bit blocked...that sounds like I'm constipated...just mentally/creatively so.) and everything I wrote would be fabulous and everyone would want to publish it. And after my first big success I'd become like J.D. Salinger and hardly ever publish anything again, and people would wonder: "Whatever happened to that Jackie Harris*? Why does she deprive us of her writing like this? Remember how great her first piece of work was?" Except I wouldn't be as reclusive as he was. But I think he stopped publishing because he didn't like the media attention. I would stop because I'd be worried anything I wrote after wouldn't come anywhere close to being as good as the first.
*This is a total aside, but if I ever did get something published, I'm not even sure what name I would use. Jackie Harris? Jaclyn Harris? Jack Harris? J. Harris? J. N. Harris? The initials seem kind of pretentious to me. Maybe I should come up with a pen name. I'm open to suggestions. The funnier, the better.
And since I'm going into a fantasy land...do you ever think about the things you would buy or spend your money on if you were rich? I think about that a lot. I really don't think I'd go too overboard. Not too many possessions, really, probably just a jet and a boat and ten cars. (Kidding.) Nah, more like a bunch of clothes and shoes and purses and the like. Because I'm typical like that. And a really awesome TV (because mine is so crappy, it makes me sad) and I would actually get cable. I consider that a luxury, folks - haven't had it for about six years. And I would travel all the time. Everywhere. You know what else I would do? I would hire people to work for me. Seriously. And hey, what's wrong with giving people jobs, eh? Stimulate the economy. You want to know who I would hire? Obviously, I would hire a cook. Because 1. I hate cooking and 2. I am really awful at cooking. I would hire someone to do my hair and make up every day. No joke. Can you imagine how awesome that would be? That would be awesome. I guess that's about it, actually. I can't think of anyone else I would want. But you know what I wouldn't hire people to do? I wouldn't hire a chauffeur, because I like to drive way too much. And I wouldn't hire a maid because (this might sound strange) I would feel bad having somebody else cleaning up after me. Plus, in a weird way, cleaning is kind of my therapy. And, although I don't have any kids, I would never hire a nanny. Why do people pay someone else to raise their children? I don't get it.
I had no idea what I was going to write about it when I sat down. I just wanted to write something. I think I feel a little better now.