Wednesday, October 31, 2012

For Heath

I have about six drafts of posts that I've written for this blog, and I haven't posted any of them. I want to try to do better. I really do.

Someone I grew up with passed away the beginning of this month. He was 25 years old, married, and had two kids. He died from a heart attack. We were good friends in high school. We had even made a pact that if neither one of us were married by the time we were 40, we'd marry each other. I hadn't seen him in years, but every once in a while, we sent each other messages on the internet. He read this blog, and he told me how much he enjoyed it and my writing. And he would send me things that he had written and would ask me to go over them and give him advice. I am so sad he's gone. I am so sad his children will never know who he was. I am so overwhelmingly sad for his wife.

His passing has made me think a lot, as death will do. But especially someone so young. If I died tomorrow, would I be happy with the life I had lead up to this point? What do I want out of life? I really want to appreciate life more. I feel like I am always so worried and stressed out. And sometimes, I am sad. With no reason, really. I have days,weeks, even, where the world seems like a sad and angry place and I don't want to participate in it. I know that this is a part of who I am, and it's a problem I will probably have my whole life, but I need to try to realize how great life really is. I'm happy to be here. I'm happy to be a part of it. I have so many wonderful people in my life. And things aren't perfect, but perfection is not really possible.

The day I found out my friend died, my boyfriend came home to me crying on the couch. And he did something I remember my parents used to do for me when I was really little - just hugged me and let me cry until I didn't have anything left. And then we talked about it. I mentioned to him how my friend had been one of the few people who read this blog and really supported me in it, and how I hadn't written in it for a long time. And Dan said, "Well, maybe you should start up again. Your friend would have liked that." And that's what I'm trying to do.