VIDEO0003 a video by This is Jack Attack on Flickr.
Showing posts with label noble causes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label noble causes. Show all posts
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Jack Attack vs The Arachnids Part II
VIDEO0003 a video by This is Jack Attack on Flickr.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Jack Attack vs The Arachnids
Life has been dreary as of late, hence me on a Friday night completely alone doing pointless things on my computer. But at least now I can write a blog post. I already decided what I wanted to write about. Spiders.
I am very much a stereotypical girl when it comes to three things: spiders, snakes, and mice/rats. When there was a mouse in my house last winter, I literally climbed onto the kitchen table and screamed as it ran circles around my kitchen floor while my rat terrier (yes, a breed that is bred specifically to KILL rodents) was more interested as to why I was on top of the table freaking out than the scurrying, disease-riddled, unbelievably fast mouse that was doing laps in my kitchen. (Okay, it probably wasn't disease-riddled but those things freak me out!)
And snakes? Don't even get me started on those. I have a story about the time my lovely friend Miss Roro and I saw one at the river (slithering up onto the rock where we were sitting, I might add) where I literally fell down about four times trying to run away from it.
Oh! I forgot to add, I'm also absolutely terrified of bats. That includes a story where I came across one in the woods one summer when my brother and dad and I were out chopping wood. (We're mountain folk.) There had been a bat in the tree my dad had fallen and I poked my foot around in the wood chips and it popped out hissing at me. I turned and booked it into the middle of the woods screaming my head off. I had no idea where I was going, I just decided that running into the woods was my best option. My dad, (who is becoming hard of hearing, anyway) had his ear muffs on and the chain saw going and he could still hear me screaming like a banshee.
But the thing about mice and snakes and bats is that I don't come across them very often. There are only a handful of times I've encountered those particular shriek-inducing creatures, but spiders, on the other hand, are always around. They're everywhere. I think that's probably why they terrify me the most.
It's been unbelievably hot here in Colorado the past couple weeks, and I have been leaving my windows open. As a result, the spiders have been coming in. I probably have been killing, I would say, about three spiders a day. That means, on average, I've killed 21 spiders in a week. 84 spiders in one month?! This is just not right, I say. Not right at all. This is one of the times that makes me wish I had a man around because I've never been good at killing spiders.
While I never particulary like killing spiders, I feel like I am much more capable when they are of a certain size. Nickel sized or smaller, I can handle it. It's the big ones where I really freak out. All my life, I have always had someone else to call to come and kill the behemoth, hairy ones. Until now. Now I have to do it on my own. And let me tell you, it hasn't been pretty.
I've found two very large ones in my bath tub, and instead of squishing them (I will get to that in just a second) I run the shower and aim the shower head at it so it will go down the drain. One of these spiders and I had an epic battle. I aimed the water at it, and it did its creepy fast-crawl thing as it desperately tried to get away. (You know what I'm talking about? Whenever you first see a spider, it's always stock still and completely unmoving. But the second you make any movement to kill it, it suddenly goes into some sort of turbo mode where it is all over the place and you don't know where the hell it's going to go and its eight legs are flying like crazy!) Anyway, this particular spider abandoned the creepy fast-crawl strategy and instead decided to cling to the side of the tub for dear life. I tried desperately to break its death grip with the shower water, but I had to resort to collecting water in my hands and splashing the spider with it for it to finally let go. Then it curled up into a gross little ball, and I thought he was dead so I turned the water off only to see him unfurl himself and start doing his creepy fast-crawl again. The battle waged on. I finally watched it get swept down into the drain. I sat for a moment, reveling my victory, when I saw the bastard crawl its way right back out. I finally had to buck up and squish him.
I don't like the squish for two reasons. Number one: I don't like the way it feels when you squish them. I have to use about 50 paper towels just so I won't feel that moment where it pops. Ehh. I'm getting the chills right now just thinking about it. Number two: I mentioned before how they do their creepy fast-crawl thing. I'm always worried that as I go to kill it, it will jump on me or get on me somehow. I don't know about you guys, but whenever there is a spider on me, all hell breaks loose. So, lately, my squishing weapon of choice has been the shoe. I don't like that it is more messy than the paper towel method (Because then you have to wipe the guts off your shoe! And that's just gross.) but it creates more of a barrier between the spider and myself.
Today, I came across the biggest spider yet. This one, my friends, was a Goliath. He might not look that big in this video you are about to watch, but trust me, he was huge. (I have no idea why I make the noises that I do. It just comes out.)
Victory.
I am very much a stereotypical girl when it comes to three things: spiders, snakes, and mice/rats. When there was a mouse in my house last winter, I literally climbed onto the kitchen table and screamed as it ran circles around my kitchen floor while my rat terrier (yes, a breed that is bred specifically to KILL rodents) was more interested as to why I was on top of the table freaking out than the scurrying, disease-riddled, unbelievably fast mouse that was doing laps in my kitchen. (Okay, it probably wasn't disease-riddled but those things freak me out!)
And snakes? Don't even get me started on those. I have a story about the time my lovely friend Miss Roro and I saw one at the river (slithering up onto the rock where we were sitting, I might add) where I literally fell down about four times trying to run away from it.
Oh! I forgot to add, I'm also absolutely terrified of bats. That includes a story where I came across one in the woods one summer when my brother and dad and I were out chopping wood. (We're mountain folk.) There had been a bat in the tree my dad had fallen and I poked my foot around in the wood chips and it popped out hissing at me. I turned and booked it into the middle of the woods screaming my head off. I had no idea where I was going, I just decided that running into the woods was my best option. My dad, (who is becoming hard of hearing, anyway) had his ear muffs on and the chain saw going and he could still hear me screaming like a banshee.
But the thing about mice and snakes and bats is that I don't come across them very often. There are only a handful of times I've encountered those particular shriek-inducing creatures, but spiders, on the other hand, are always around. They're everywhere. I think that's probably why they terrify me the most.
It's been unbelievably hot here in Colorado the past couple weeks, and I have been leaving my windows open. As a result, the spiders have been coming in. I probably have been killing, I would say, about three spiders a day. That means, on average, I've killed 21 spiders in a week. 84 spiders in one month?! This is just not right, I say. Not right at all. This is one of the times that makes me wish I had a man around because I've never been good at killing spiders.
While I never particulary like killing spiders, I feel like I am much more capable when they are of a certain size. Nickel sized or smaller, I can handle it. It's the big ones where I really freak out. All my life, I have always had someone else to call to come and kill the behemoth, hairy ones. Until now. Now I have to do it on my own. And let me tell you, it hasn't been pretty.
I've found two very large ones in my bath tub, and instead of squishing them (I will get to that in just a second) I run the shower and aim the shower head at it so it will go down the drain. One of these spiders and I had an epic battle. I aimed the water at it, and it did its creepy fast-crawl thing as it desperately tried to get away. (You know what I'm talking about? Whenever you first see a spider, it's always stock still and completely unmoving. But the second you make any movement to kill it, it suddenly goes into some sort of turbo mode where it is all over the place and you don't know where the hell it's going to go and its eight legs are flying like crazy!) Anyway, this particular spider abandoned the creepy fast-crawl strategy and instead decided to cling to the side of the tub for dear life. I tried desperately to break its death grip with the shower water, but I had to resort to collecting water in my hands and splashing the spider with it for it to finally let go. Then it curled up into a gross little ball, and I thought he was dead so I turned the water off only to see him unfurl himself and start doing his creepy fast-crawl again. The battle waged on. I finally watched it get swept down into the drain. I sat for a moment, reveling my victory, when I saw the bastard crawl its way right back out. I finally had to buck up and squish him.
I don't like the squish for two reasons. Number one: I don't like the way it feels when you squish them. I have to use about 50 paper towels just so I won't feel that moment where it pops. Ehh. I'm getting the chills right now just thinking about it. Number two: I mentioned before how they do their creepy fast-crawl thing. I'm always worried that as I go to kill it, it will jump on me or get on me somehow. I don't know about you guys, but whenever there is a spider on me, all hell breaks loose. So, lately, my squishing weapon of choice has been the shoe. I don't like that it is more messy than the paper towel method (Because then you have to wipe the guts off your shoe! And that's just gross.) but it creates more of a barrier between the spider and myself.
Today, I came across the biggest spider yet. This one, my friends, was a Goliath. He might not look that big in this video you are about to watch, but trust me, he was huge. (I have no idea why I make the noises that I do. It just comes out.)
Victory.
Monday, June 6, 2011
The Jack Attack Gets Mean
Alright, blog post time. Do you know what I want to talk about? I want to talk about the different things that make me not like people. I usually really like people, I do, but sometimes I find them absolutely ridiculous and retarded.
Middle aged + women who shop in the juniors section. Really? I mean, really? Don't try to dress like you're a teenager, it's embarrassing. For everyone. It's called the "juniors" section for a reason. Trying to pass yourself off as a 20 year old is not attractive. It makes you look desperate and silly. If you qualify for a senior discount, you should not be wearing ripped jeans and a tank top. You think these women don't exist? Oh. Trust me. They do.
People who say "volumptuous." There is no "m" in that word. Also, people who say "supposibly." It's "supposedly." With a D. (Chandler Bing and I agree on this one, by the way. I know. I am a "Friends" dork.) Maybe I am being a snob, but I feel like if you can't pronounce a word correctly, you shouldn't be using it. Say something else. You look and sound stupid.
Women who have anything to do with married/taken men. (Vice versa, is true as well, but I feel like women have more of a comraderie than men when it comes to these things, so it somehow seems more upsetting when they step out with another woman's husband. They're breaking the lady code.) I think any woman who knowingly tangles with a married man is either a complete idiot or a heartless bitch. Either way, I don't want anything to do with them and karma is coming their way. (These ladies are usually the aforementioned women who try to dress decades younger than their age, or they will later become those women. You know what I'm sayin'?)
Most men. (I have been thinking about something my uncle told me more than once growing up: "Men are either dogs or pigs." So true. Little Jack Attack had no idea.)
Women who get plastic surgery. And it's rough because I actually know someone who I love very dearly who has gotten plastic surgery, but all the same, I have lost some respect for her after she did so. Women have it hard enough in this society to try to be "perfect." Why not have more respect for yourself and your body? Don't conform to someone else's idea of beauty. (Which, in the society we live in, is: blonde, tan, and a body that less than 10% of women naturally have aka the Barbie body.) Realize that it is so much more attractive to be a woman who has enough sense to realize she is too good for that shit. It makes you look cheap.
People who talk during movies. I swear nothing will make me dislike you faster. I take my movie-going experiences seriously. I just went to a movie last week where the girl in front of me literally talked through the ENTIRE thing. Then she literally screamed at one part. (I must add there was no reason for screaming. Whatsoever. This was not a scary movie.) I was not amused.
People who do not get off their cell phones. In class. In the movies. (Again, I am a strict bitch in the theater.) While they're driving. The worst is when you are trying to talk to someone and their face is looking down at their screen and their fingers are typing some stupid text message or facebook update that just cannot wait until after you are done talking. I mean, I use my cell phone, don't get me wrong. But I'm not crazy with it. We all know those crazy phone people, and if you don't know, then you're one of them.
And now, I would like to share something. Whenever I know someone I really can't stand I have a list where I write something about them. I have compiled this over the past four years. Keeping with the tone of this piece, I'd like to share it. Here we go:
The Fake: You put on the biggest act and you are always the martyr. It makes me really not like you.
The Dragon lady: You are, without a doubt, the biggest see you next Tuesday I have ever met in my life. All I can say to you is: karma is a bitch. You got what was coming, and I don't feel bad for you.
The Hipster: You are a hypocrite. You know it, I know it, we all know it. But you're too proud to admit when you're wrong. Keep up with your self-righteous bull shit, you'll figure it out sooner or later. Do you really want to know? Try listening to a real poet: Positively 4th Street.
FAT VEGAN: You pretty much suck. And that’s all I have to say about you.
The whore: You are by far the most pathetic person I have ever met. You think that controlling men is getting them to love you. Your self-esteem is so low that you need other peoples’ affections to validate your own sense of self. I’d feel sorry for you if you weren’t such a conniving, manipulative bitch.
That One White Trash Witch: I don't understand why you have to be so nasty all the time. Stop dating men who just got out of jail, take care of your kids, and clean yourself up. You look like a troll.
The Giant A-hole: You didn't used to be one. The thing that keeps coming to mind when I think about you is: what goes around comes around. It's a cliche for a reason.
Is this really how we say goodbye?
Seven people that I don't like over four years? Not too bad, right?
Middle aged + women who shop in the juniors section. Really? I mean, really? Don't try to dress like you're a teenager, it's embarrassing. For everyone. It's called the "juniors" section for a reason. Trying to pass yourself off as a 20 year old is not attractive. It makes you look desperate and silly. If you qualify for a senior discount, you should not be wearing ripped jeans and a tank top. You think these women don't exist? Oh. Trust me. They do.
People who say "volumptuous." There is no "m" in that word. Also, people who say "supposibly." It's "supposedly." With a D. (Chandler Bing and I agree on this one, by the way. I know. I am a "Friends" dork.) Maybe I am being a snob, but I feel like if you can't pronounce a word correctly, you shouldn't be using it. Say something else. You look and sound stupid.
Women who have anything to do with married/taken men. (Vice versa, is true as well, but I feel like women have more of a comraderie than men when it comes to these things, so it somehow seems more upsetting when they step out with another woman's husband. They're breaking the lady code.) I think any woman who knowingly tangles with a married man is either a complete idiot or a heartless bitch. Either way, I don't want anything to do with them and karma is coming their way. (These ladies are usually the aforementioned women who try to dress decades younger than their age, or they will later become those women. You know what I'm sayin'?)
Most men. (I have been thinking about something my uncle told me more than once growing up: "Men are either dogs or pigs." So true. Little Jack Attack had no idea.)
Women who get plastic surgery. And it's rough because I actually know someone who I love very dearly who has gotten plastic surgery, but all the same, I have lost some respect for her after she did so. Women have it hard enough in this society to try to be "perfect." Why not have more respect for yourself and your body? Don't conform to someone else's idea of beauty. (Which, in the society we live in, is: blonde, tan, and a body that less than 10% of women naturally have aka the Barbie body.) Realize that it is so much more attractive to be a woman who has enough sense to realize she is too good for that shit. It makes you look cheap.
People who talk during movies. I swear nothing will make me dislike you faster. I take my movie-going experiences seriously. I just went to a movie last week where the girl in front of me literally talked through the ENTIRE thing. Then she literally screamed at one part. (I must add there was no reason for screaming. Whatsoever. This was not a scary movie.) I was not amused.
People who do not get off their cell phones. In class. In the movies. (Again, I am a strict bitch in the theater.) While they're driving. The worst is when you are trying to talk to someone and their face is looking down at their screen and their fingers are typing some stupid text message or facebook update that just cannot wait until after you are done talking. I mean, I use my cell phone, don't get me wrong. But I'm not crazy with it. We all know those crazy phone people, and if you don't know, then you're one of them.
And now, I would like to share something. Whenever I know someone I really can't stand I have a list where I write something about them. I have compiled this over the past four years. Keeping with the tone of this piece, I'd like to share it. Here we go:
The Fake: You put on the biggest act and you are always the martyr. It makes me really not like you.
The Dragon lady: You are, without a doubt, the biggest see you next Tuesday I have ever met in my life. All I can say to you is: karma is a bitch. You got what was coming, and I don't feel bad for you.
The Hipster: You are a hypocrite. You know it, I know it, we all know it. But you're too proud to admit when you're wrong. Keep up with your self-righteous bull shit, you'll figure it out sooner or later. Do you really want to know? Try listening to a real poet: Positively 4th Street.
FAT VEGAN: You pretty much suck. And that’s all I have to say about you.
The whore: You are by far the most pathetic person I have ever met. You think that controlling men is getting them to love you. Your self-esteem is so low that you need other peoples’ affections to validate your own sense of self. I’d feel sorry for you if you weren’t such a conniving, manipulative bitch.
That One White Trash Witch: I don't understand why you have to be so nasty all the time. Stop dating men who just got out of jail, take care of your kids, and clean yourself up. You look like a troll.
The Giant A-hole: You didn't used to be one. The thing that keeps coming to mind when I think about you is: what goes around comes around. It's a cliche for a reason.
Is this really how we say goodbye?
Seven people that I don't like over four years? Not too bad, right?
Friday, July 23, 2010
the itty bitty tittie committee
Breast implants have been on my mind a lot lately, since I know someone close to me who recently got a boob job. I, myself, have very tiny boobs. We're talking pretty small. But I would never get a boob job.
This is a shout out to all the celebrity women out there who obviously have enough money to get a boob job, but choose to stay 100% natural.
Ali Larter (for Hollywood...they're tiny)
Charlize Theron (in my opinion, I think she may be the most beautiful woman on this planet...and her boobies are on the smaller side)
Evan Rachel Wood (I think she's gorgeous.)
Freida Pinto (the actress from Slumdog Millionaire)
Thandie Newton (I've always thought she was pretty.)
Gwyneth Paltrow (she even showed them off in Shakespeare in Love)
Natalie Portman (I absolutely adore her. When I was trying to find a photo of her where you could see she was on the smaller side, I had a hard time finding one where you would notice it. A lot of her fashion choices help hide the fact that she's small chested. I am definitely going to emulate.)
Kate Hudson (I love the fact that she has such small boobs and she doesn't even seem to care.)
Keri Russell (Not much up top, but she's still beautiful.)
Portia de Rossi (She is one of the first celebrities I remember noticing had tiny boobs because I watched Ally McBeal when I was a kid. And I thought she was one of the most gorgeous women ever.)
Rose Byrne (She is also really flat chested but she's stunning.)
Mena Suvari (While I fluctuate between whether or not I think she's attractive, one things for sure: I give her kudos for being brave enough to show her tiny tatas in American Beauty.)
Debra Messing (I love how there's an episode revolved around how small her boobs are on "Will & Grace")
Gwen Stefani (she had really tiny boobs...now they're quite a bit bigger since she had her kids.)
Keira Knightley (Another person who has no boobs who I think is so pretty.)
This is a shout out to all the celebrity women out there who obviously have enough money to get a boob job, but choose to stay 100% natural.
Ali Larter (for Hollywood...they're tiny)
Charlize Theron (in my opinion, I think she may be the most beautiful woman on this planet...and her boobies are on the smaller side)
Evan Rachel Wood (I think she's gorgeous.)
Freida Pinto (the actress from Slumdog Millionaire)
Thandie Newton (I've always thought she was pretty.)
Gwyneth Paltrow (she even showed them off in Shakespeare in Love)
Natalie Portman (I absolutely adore her. When I was trying to find a photo of her where you could see she was on the smaller side, I had a hard time finding one where you would notice it. A lot of her fashion choices help hide the fact that she's small chested. I am definitely going to emulate.)
Kate Hudson (I love the fact that she has such small boobs and she doesn't even seem to care.)
Keri Russell (Not much up top, but she's still beautiful.)
Portia de Rossi (She is one of the first celebrities I remember noticing had tiny boobs because I watched Ally McBeal when I was a kid. And I thought she was one of the most gorgeous women ever.) Rose Byrne (She is also really flat chested but she's stunning.) Mena Suvari (While I fluctuate between whether or not I think she's attractive, one things for sure: I give her kudos for being brave enough to show her tiny tatas in American Beauty.) Debra Messing (I love how there's an episode revolved around how small her boobs are on "Will & Grace") Gwen Stefani (she had really tiny boobs...now they're quite a bit bigger since she had her kids.) Keira Knightley (Another person who has no boobs who I think is so pretty.)Monday, May 31, 2010
Free the Lady Bugs!
We get a ton of coupons in the mail, and I go through them and cut the ones out that I want to use. (I've become a coupon lady...shoot me.) But the other day, we got a coupon booklet for a Home & Garden Showplace, where there were coupons for flowers and plants and gardening tools. If we had a nice yard or a garden, I would totally be interested, but we don't. Just as I was about to toss it, I noticed a coupon for lady bugs. I took a closer look. There was a coupon for $7.95 in which you would get a bagful of 2,000 lady bugs, and there was even a picture of the bag with all the poor little lady bugs inside it. 
It made me incredibly sad. What do they do if no one buys them? Do they all just die, or do they end up releasing them without any profit? I mean, how sad is 2,000 lady bugs crammed into a teeny tiny bag? Pretty sad, me thinks. I'm giving some serious consideration to going and buying a couple bags so I could release them. Unfortunately, at $8.00 a bag, I think I'm going to have to wait until I get some more moolah before I can embark on my Free the Lady Bugs campaign.
It made me incredibly sad. What do they do if no one buys them? Do they all just die, or do they end up releasing them without any profit? I mean, how sad is 2,000 lady bugs crammed into a teeny tiny bag? Pretty sad, me thinks. I'm giving some serious consideration to going and buying a couple bags so I could release them. Unfortunately, at $8.00 a bag, I think I'm going to have to wait until I get some more moolah before I can embark on my Free the Lady Bugs campaign.
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