What to Expect When You're a Girl Who Lives by Herself

So...I have lived by myself for about a year now. The last time I lived by myself, I was 18 years old and let's just say things were a lot different then. Except for that brief period, I have always had a man living with me who would take care of certain things. In the past year, I have had to do those things myself. Let me tell you, some of these things have not been a walk in the park.

Spiders. You may remember my post before about this, but it's the time of year where they are coming back out and I've already had to kill four. Killing spiders is one thing that I wish I could pawn off on a man.

Mice. Picking up traps with dead rodents in them? Not exactly my forte. Getting a shovel and trying to maneuver it through the kitchen with a dead mouse on it while screeching the whole time is as ridiculous as it sounds.

Clogged drains. I actually have to say, that after unclogging my shower drain twice and unclogging my sink who knows how many times, I can't believe anyone else would actually do this for me considering it is all my hair that is clogging that thing up. I know it's my own hair, but I still want to puke when I do it. Anybody see that "Modern Family" episode where they had a bit on this? It made me laugh so hard because it was basically me.

Shoveling snow. Yes, spoiled girl as I was, I never had to shovel my own walkway or driveway before. I had to do it this year. I would rather do this than the other things that I listed above, but I still wouldn't describe it as fun.

Electronics. Let me explain. I am horrible when it comes to figuring out how to hook up electronics or how to work new equipment. So when I got cable and I was sent a bunch of wires and cords, I sat myself down on the living room floor and spent a couple hours (yes, HOURS) trying to figure it out. This included a couple calls to the helpline, where I was so frustrated I could have thrown the cable box against the wall. I felt like a complete imbecile. And when the helpline people couldn't figure it out, they ended up sending a cable guy out who then had to do some work under the house. (Like I know what it was.) I didn't feel so much like an idiot. But I still get a little pang of anxiety just thinking about cords and wires and things of that nature.

Handy(wo)man stuff. You know, like putting a closet door back on the track (Mine comes off ALL the time. I wouldn't say it's especially difficult, but it's kind of hard for me since I'm so short - I have trouble seeing where the track is.) or fixing other things. This probably wasn't very smart of me, but the light in my bedroom had been out for WEEKS, and my landlord wasn't coming to fix it in a timely manner, so I decided I was going to mess with it one day. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, I was just moving and maneuvering and messing with electric wires when - BAM! - the light came back on. (You thought I was going to say I got shocked, didn't you? That's okay. I'm surprised I didn't.)

That's about it, really. I guess it hasn't been all that bad. Now I can say I know how to do these things, perhaps there isn't very much grace involved when I perform them, but I still do them. Worst one by far is unclogging drains. Blech.

The Jack Attack Gets Mean

Alright, blog post time. Do you know what I want to talk about? I want to talk about the different things that make me not like people. I usually really like people, I do, but sometimes I find them absolutely ridiculous and retarded.

Middle aged + women who shop in the juniors section. Really? I mean, really? Don't try to dress like you're a teenager, it's embarrassing. For everyone. It's called the "juniors" section for a reason. Trying to pass yourself off as a 20 year old is not attractive. It makes you look desperate and silly. If you qualify for a senior discount, you should not be wearing ripped jeans and a tank top. You think these women don't exist? Oh. Trust me. They do.

People who say "volumptuous." There is no "m" in that word. Also, people who say "supposibly." It's "supposedly." With a D. (Chandler Bing and I agree on this one, by the way. I know. I am a "Friends" dork.) Maybe I am being a snob, but I feel like if you can't pronounce a word correctly, you shouldn't be using it. Say something else. You look and sound stupid.

Women who have anything to do with married/taken men. (Vice versa, is true as well, but I feel like women have more of a comraderie than men when it comes to these things, so it somehow seems more upsetting when they step out with another woman's husband. They're breaking the lady code.) I think any woman who knowingly tangles with a married man is either a complete idiot or a heartless bitch. Either way, I don't want anything to do with them and karma is coming their way. (These ladies are usually the aforementioned women who try to dress decades younger than their age, or they will later become those women. You know what I'm sayin'?)

Most men. (I have been thinking about something my uncle told me more than once growing up: "Men are either dogs or pigs." So true. Little Jack Attack had no idea.)

Women who get plastic surgery. And it's rough because I actually know someone who I love very dearly who has gotten plastic surgery, but all the same, I have lost some respect for her after she did so. Women have it hard enough in this society to try to be "perfect." Why not have more respect for yourself and your body? Don't conform to someone else's idea of beauty. (Which, in the society we live in, is: blonde, tan, and a body that less than 10% of women naturally have aka the Barbie body.) Realize that it is so much more attractive to be a woman who has enough sense to realize she is too good for that shit. It makes you look cheap.

People who talk during movies. I swear nothing will make me dislike you faster. I take my movie-going experiences seriously. I just went to a movie last week where the girl in front of me literally talked through the ENTIRE thing. Then she literally screamed at one part. (I must add there was no reason for screaming. Whatsoever. This was not a scary movie.) I was not amused.

People who do not get off their cell phones. In class. In the movies. (Again, I am a strict bitch in the theater.) While they're driving. The worst is when you are trying to talk to someone and their face is looking down at their screen and their fingers are typing some stupid text message or facebook update that just cannot wait until after you are done talking. I mean, I use my cell phone, don't get me wrong. But I'm not crazy with it. We all know those crazy phone people, and if you don't know, then you're one of them.


And now, I would like to share something. Whenever I know someone I really can't stand I have a list where I write something about them. I have compiled this over the past four years. Keeping with the tone of this piece, I'd like to share it. Here we go:

The Fake: You put on the biggest act and you are always the martyr. It makes me really not like you. 
The Dragon lady: You are, without a doubt, the biggest see you next Tuesday I have ever met in my life. All I can say to you is: karma is a bitch. You got what was coming, and I don't feel bad for you.

The Hipster: You are a hypocrite. You know it, I know it, we all know it. But you're too proud to admit when you're wrong. Keep up with your self-righteous bull shit, you'll figure it out sooner or later. Do you really want to know? Try listening to a real poet: Positively 4th Street.

FAT VEGAN: You pretty much suck. And that’s all I have to say about you.

The whore: You are by far the most pathetic person I have ever met. You think that controlling men is getting them to love you. Your self-esteem is so low that you need other peoples’ affections to validate your own sense of self. I’d feel sorry for you if you weren’t such a conniving, manipulative bitch.

That One White Trash Witch: I don't understand why you have to be so nasty all the time. Stop dating men who just got out of jail, take care of your kids, and clean yourself up. You look like a troll.

The Giant A-hole: You didn't used to be one. The thing that keeps coming to mind when I think about you is: what goes around comes around. It's a cliche for a reason. 
Is this really how we say goodbye?

Seven people that I don't like over four years? Not too bad, right?

Books

Do you guys remember that Nook commercial where it shows the girl growing up and how books have been involved throughout her life? I love that commercial. I kind of consider it modeled after me.
And I wanted to write a post about the different books that have been in my life. The VERY first book I can remember is "The Little Mouse, The Red Ripe Strawberry, and The Big Hungry Bear." Anybody remember it? That is the very first book I can remember being read to me.

I also remember my mom reading "Love You Forever" and crying every time she read it. But I didn't really get why it made her cry. If I read it now I would probably bawl.

Oh! Do you know what else I remember? "Corduroy" about the bear, Corduroy, that lived in the mall! Oh, that was a good one. The little girl wants him but her mom says he's missing a button from his overalls and they probably shouldn't get him. But then she comes back and buys him with her allowance and sews a button on for him! I loved that story when I was little. It made me so happy for Corduroy. It kind of made me believe that my toys had feelings. I just didn't want to admit it to anyone because I thought it would sound crazy.

Now, there are other books I remember reading in school. In the first grade, I remember "The Owl and the Pussycat" but I didn't like it very much because I felt an owl and a pussycat should not get married. But I liked the illustrations to that book and they were by Jan Brett so then I got into Jan Brett's books. There was "The Mitten," "Town Mouse Country Mouse," "The First Dog," "Christmas Trolls" and a bunch of others. I fell in love with all of her books. My mom ended up buying all of them. I loved her illustrations; there was always hidden things along the borders that I liked finding.

Also, in the first grade, I remember finding a book in the library titled "Molly's Pilgrim" that I would check out over and over again. My mom would always ask me why I kept checking it out when I had already read it, but I really liked it. It was about a little girl named Molly whose family immigrated from Russia, and Molly wanted to go back home because she was different from everyone in America. When Thanksgiving came around, the teacher gave them an assignment to make a pilgrim doll out of a clothes pin. Molly took her clothes pin home and her mom made an outfit that looked like their Russian clothes instead of "Pilgrim" clothes. Molly didn't want to tell her mom that it was wrong because she had worked on it so hard, but she was embarrassed to go to school with it because she knew it would be different from the other Pilgrim dolls. But then her mom explains how they are immigrants to America like the Pilgrims were, and they are just modern Pilgrims. And Molly tells her class this and everyone is stoked on her doll. Isn't that a good story?

But then I began reading chapter books in the second grade; I especially loved series. Do you guys remember "The Boxcar Children?" I freakin' LOVED that series. I wanted to BE one of the Boxcar Children. (I totally would have been Violet. She was the shy one who liked animals.) And I had a crush on the eldest brother, Henry.

Then I got into "The Indian in the Cupboard" series, which lead me to read Lynne Reid Banks' other books, and she wrote one called "The Fairy Rebel" that I absolutely adored which inspired me to write to Lynne Reid Banks and tell her how much I loved it. And she actually wrote me a handwritten letter back. (Mind you, this was in the midst of the HUGE success of "The Indian in the Cupboard" and she even said in her letter that she usually didn't write fans back, but she really liked my letter.) I was so stoked. I still have that letter.

Then I started reading "The Little House on the Prairie" series, which is A LOT of books. I liked Laura Ingalls Wilder and I fell in love with her husband, Almanzo. (Remember Almanzo? She wrote a book in the series that was centered around his childhood, and then in later books, when she was older, she wrote about their courtship. I decided I loved him.) But I didn't really like Laura's daughter's (Rose) books because it made Laura Ingalls Wilder sound like a mean mom. And that kind of shattered my whole fantasy around her.

But do you know what series I REALLY loved? The young sleuth Nancy Drew, man! Nancy Drew was so awesome! I wanted to be just like her. I got a bunch of Nancy Drew books in the third grade, and then I was always on the hunt for more (very Nancy Drew of me, right?) wherever I went. I ended up finding a whole bunch at a yard sale with my grandma and I was stoked!

So all of these series kept my occupied for a while. I tried reading the Goosebumps series but I think I read one and I didn't really care for it too much. My family actually used to read books together. It's some of my favorite memories. We would gather together around the kitchen table and my dad would read a book aloud to the rest of us as my mom did the dishes and Teddy and I would sit and listen. If it was a book we all really liked, we would go into the living room after my mom was done doing the dishes and we would sit on the couch and listen. Some of the books we read then were "The Bronze Bow," "A Voice in the Wind" (and the rest of the Mark of the Lion series), "Big Red," "Across Five Aprils," and some classics like "Swiss Family Robinson," and "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." Some of them were more difficult for my brother and I to pay attention to (the classics) but I really enjoyed our book time.

I still remember the very first book I bought with my own money. I was in the third grade, and I had saved up some money to buy something at the annual book fair we had at my school. I was really into dogs back then (What can I say? I'm a dog person!) and I saw a cover that had a boy with two dogs and I picked it up and read the back and I decided I wanted to get it. It was "Where the Red Fern Grows." Seriously still one of my favorite books to this day. Makes me bawl every time I read it. (And I've read it a lot. I still have that copy and it's all worn out.) I decided I would ask my dad if he would read it as one of our family books, and we all ended up loving that book more than anything! Seriously, it's so good.

I know I read a ton between 4th grade and 6th grade, but for some reason, I can't remember very many specific books. The only ones I can remember clearly are James Harriet's books. He's a famous veternarian in England and he writes books about the animals he treats. I enjoyed those, but I found some of the language difficult when I was 12.

BUT THEN, in the 7th grade, I started reading Harry Potter. Don't hate, people. Harry Potter is wonderful! It's one of those things that I'm excited to share with my own kids some day. (If I have kids, that is.) I pretty much loved Harry Potter. (I still do!)

Then, when the 8th grade rolled around, I got into the teen scene books. I started reading a series called "Fearless" about a girl, named Gaia, who was born without the fear gene and she'd prowl New York City at night and kick ass. There was also a love square (is that even a term?) with her best friend, Ed, who was in love with her, (but she doesn't know, of course) and Gaia is in love with Sam, who is dating Heather, who is Ed's ex. Got it? Anyway, I thought Gaia was a badass and I really liked the series. It was crazy long, though. I never ended up finishing it. I think I stopped after book 24 or something because it was just too much.  

I remember I also read a book called "Violet Eyes" in the 8th grade that I was pretty jazzed about. It was set in the future with these genetically enhanced teenagers, but here's the kicker, they lived in a "live" museum which was supposed to be set in the 1980s where people could watch these teenagers without them knowing. But the teenagers didn't know that it wasn't really the 1980s. Weird, right? Then they find out and they end up busting out. (They were only kept there because people were scared of what they were capable of and it was society's way of controlling them.) There was a sequel called "Silver Eyes" but I didn't really like that one too much.

Alright, so then high school came around. I remember reading some books in high school, but I think there were a couple years when I didn't read very much. I remember reading "The Lovely Bones" and liking it only because I liked the author's portrayal of heaven, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower," and "Snakes and Earrings." All of them I liked okay, but I didn't LOVE them. I remember reading "The Old Man and the Sea" and "Huck Finn" for school, but I wasn't impressed with them at the time. Strangely enough, I think the book that had the biggest impact on me in high school was a short little book with photographs entitled "The Blue Day Book." I was depressed a lot in high school, and this book would honestly make me feel better. Actually, I still read it every now and then. Check it out.

Once I graduated and moved out on my own, I began reading a TON again. As I've mentioned before in this blog, I like Joshilyn Jackson's books, "White Oleander" is one of my favorites, also: "I Am Charlotte Simmons," "The Bell Jar," "Sight Hound," "She's Come Undone," and a whole bunch of others. One of my favorite books ever is "The Dogs of Babel." It has it's strange parts, but I still love it.

Recently I have been reading a lot of classic literature for school, which I enjoy, but some of it is kind of rough, you know what it mean? But I love reading and I love books. I love being transported somewhere else and being able to forget all the troubles going on in my own life. I guess what I'm saying is: I totally should have been in that Nook commercial.

What Not To Wear: Jack Attack Edition

These are certain fashion choices/trends you will most definitely not catch me sporting any time soon:

1. Visible bra straps. I don't know what it is, but it irritates me to no end when a girl wears something where you can see her bra straps. Either wear a strapless, some sort of cover up, or no bra at all. Seriously. What's worse is when the bra is a completely different color than the top, so it stands out that much more. Like a bright pink bra with a black top. Uh-uh. I have no idea why it bothers me so much, I can't trace the origins of my abhorrence to visible bra straps, but I think it looks cheap and sloppy.

2. Animal prints. Any kind of animal print: leopard, cheetah, tiger, giraffe, zebra, etc. I find animal prints (in fashion, and actually, in decor as well) to be the most tacky and the most chintzy display ever. To me, nothing screams "I have no taste!" more. (Sorry to anyone reading this who owns animal prints. It's nothing personal.)

Perhaps you noticed, to be fair, I put two pictures up for the animal print. The first one is more an example of what we're more likely to see on the street, and the second are designer creations with animal print. I can honestly say I don't like either, even the "high-end" animal prints. Ugh, they hurt my eyes to even look.
3. Fur/Feathers. Yes, big surprise, I don't like furs or feathers. I think feathers look campy, and I think fur, more especially, is extremely gaudy. But not only do I dislike the aesthetic of both, I would never, ever wear any fur based on morality issues. (Doesn't it kind of creep you out to touch real fur or feathers? It definitely creeps me out.) Even faux fur and synthetic feathers I wouldn't wear. I just don't care for it.

4. Skins. (Things are about to get preachy in here, just to forewarn.) You know what I'm talking about: crocodile skin, snake skin, leather/suede, elephant skin (!) etc. While every other fashion trend on this list is banned from my wardrobe because I don't like the aesthetics of the item, this is the one item where (for the most part) I don't think it looks bad, I am solely opposed to it for humane reasons. The hardest one would have to be leather and suede, though, because if I'm being honest, I think leather looks really chic and cool. And it's really hard to buy boots or purses that aren't made (even partially) of suede or leather. But I'm going to take a stand here and say I won't wear leather or suede because I don't support killing animals for fashion. (I have a polyurethane jacket instead of a leather one.) The snake skin and the crocodile skin I'm not tempted by, they don't appeal to me as much, but I still don't agree with them (even though I am totally freaked out by both snakes and crocodiles) I don't think their skin should be used for boots, belts, etc. But the elephant skin!? I didn't even know that elephant skin boots even existed until earlier this week. You ready for my story? Okay.
Earlier this week, I helped a woman at my work who came in to return a pair of boots that she decided she didn't want. She didn't have a receipt for her item, but the original price ticket was still on there. Whenever this happens, I'm supposed to put the ticket numbers into a program that tells me what the product is (so I can make sure it is the correct product) being returned, ya dig? So anyway, that's beside the point. I noticed these boot were particularly expensive, $150.00 expensive. I thought it was odd that they were so much because I could tell right away that they weren't leather (which is obviously expensive) but I couldn't tell what they were made of; the texture felt and looked odd to me. So I put the ticket info in, and lo and behold, the computer told me I was holding elephant skin boots in my hands. I seriously felt like throwing them on the floor after I found out, I didn't even want to touch them after that.
But then I got to thinking, how could elephant skin trade even be legal? I know ivory is most definitely not legal trade, and1 elephants are ENDANGERED animals. Both the African and the Asian elephant are endangered. So I did a little research when I got home. Turns out that elephant skin trade is completely legal in the United States. I was/am so pissed about it. While I am sympathetic to bovine, I am so much more emotional about the idea of elephants being killed for fashion.


I'm sure there's more, but this post is getting pretty along. Maybe I will make a second edition. We'll see.

Customer Service

I have spent about seven (Seven? My goodness. How did that happen?) years working customer service, and until recently, my experience in customer service was only in banking. Now I work in retail. I have come to realize that customer service is very different in these two institutions. The way customers treat me is very different, too.

At the bank, for the most part, customers were civil and polite. But when they lost it, they really lost it. I mean....explode status. They'd scream and yell and get in your face and tell you they were going to get you fired or call the police on you (seriously) and cause a giant scene. And you were expected to remain calm. And I learned how to do that. Because hey, I could kind of understand why people got upset sometimes. Money can be an emotional thing.

In my short experience in retail, it seems to me that customers are a lot different. In general, they are not as civil and polite. I haven't had anyone scream or explode on me in retail, but I have just plain rude customers all the time. For no other reason than they want to be, I guess.

This is the theory that I have come up with: I think bank tellers kind of hold this position of power, and so people feel like they should be nicer to them because they "control" their money. The person at the register at the department store does not hold any such power, therefore, you don't need to be as nice to him or her. What do you think? Valid?

Here are some of the people I have come across in retail lately that are just inexplicably rude:

• I had a girl interrupt me while I was in the middle of ringing up another customer, and ask me for a job application. I told her I would get her one as soon as I was done helping my customer. She sighed, and made a big show of having to wait. I was the only checker, and had a line of other customers waiting. I quickly grabbed a job application off the stack and handed it to her. She didn't say a word and left the store. Not even two minutes later, the phone rang, and I could tell right away that it was the same girl on the phone. She asked to speak to the manager. I transferred the call. My manager came up to me later to tell me about it. The girl told him that I had given her an application that was in Spanish, and she was offended that I had automatically assumed that she couldn't read or write English. Seriously? I just don't understand who would even get pissed about that. I think any normal person would just say, "Oh, excuse me? Do you have one in English? This one's in Spanish." It was obvious I hadn't looked at the stack and made a conscious choice that she should receive a Spanish application.

• For some reason, the counter surface at my work is the worst surface in the world to write on. No exaggerating. No one can ever sign their receipts because of that damn surface. I put out a clipboard for customers to use, because that works better to write on. I also have three or four pens in a cup that a customer can choose from. I had a lady who kept on trying to sign her receipt (unsuccessfully), but wouldn't use the clipboard. She kept on asking me to give her different pens, looking for a "better" one. With every new pen, I suggested that she use the clipboard, but she kept arguing with me that it was the pens that weren't working. After the fourth and final pen, she literally (and I'm not taking any liberties here, she really did this) threw the pen across the counter at me and said, "I don't have time for this! Just get me a pen that works." I must admit, I did not respond as gracefully as I should have. I said, with a definite edge in my voice, "I did give you a pen that worked. I gave you four pens that worked." (I test every single pen when I first come in the morning. I know my shit.) I took one of the pens and scribbled on a piece of paper using the clipboard where it worked perfectly. "See? It works. That is why I told you to use the clipboard." But why did she have to get so rude about it?

• Okay, this next one wasn't actually a rude customer towards me, but I saw someone be INCREDIBLY rude to one of my co-workers. It was actually just this morning. This lady came up to my counter with baby clothes and she asked me whether or not I thought a particular outfit was unisex, because it was a gift and they didn't yet know if it was a boy or a girl. I said, yes the colors were unisex, but based on the ruffle in the front, it was more for a girl. The lady seemed unsatisfied with my answer, and looked at my co-worker and said, "How about you? You would probably know. You're pregnant, right?" My co-worker slowly turned and her and I made eye contact and it was as if time had slowed down to a painful speed as I waited to see how my non-pregnant co-worker was going to react. "No. I'm not pregnant." she said. Okay, these things happen. And they're awkward and embarrassing for everyone involved. But this next part is the worst part. Instead of the lady apologizing or changing the subject or doing anything remotely near the realm of good manners, she said, "Oh, you're not? I guess you just have a big belly on you." Then she turned and winked at me as if it were a joke. I was horrified. I don't think I hid it very well, either, because she then softly mumbled "Sorry." But who does that? Honestly?

the itty bitty tittie committee

Breast implants have been on my mind a lot lately, since I know someone close to me who recently got a boob job. I, myself, have very tiny boobs. We're talking pretty small. But I would never get a boob job.

This is a shout out to all the celebrity women out there who obviously have enough money to get a boob job, but choose to stay 100% natural.

Ali Larter (for Hollywood...they're tiny)

Charlize Theron (in my opinion, I think she may be the most beautiful woman on this planet...and her boobies are on the smaller side)

Evan Rachel Wood (I think she's gorgeous.)

Freida Pinto (the actress from Slumdog Millionaire)

Thandie Newton (I've always thought she was pretty.)

Gwyneth Paltrow (she even showed them off in Shakespeare in Love)

Natalie Portman (I absolutely adore her. When I was trying to find a photo of her where you could see she was on the smaller side, I had a hard time finding one where you would notice it. A lot of her fashion choices help hide the fact that she's small chested. I am definitely going to emulate.)

Kate Hudson (I love the fact that she has such small boobs and she doesn't even seem to care.)

Keri Russell (Not much up top, but she's still beautiful.)
Portia de Rossi (She is one of the first celebrities I remember noticing had tiny boobs because I watched Ally McBeal when I was a kid. And I thought she was one of the most gorgeous women ever.)

Rose Byrne (She is also really flat chested but she's stunning.)

Mena Suvari (While I fluctuate between whether or not I think she's attractive, one things for sure: I give her kudos for being brave enough to show her tiny tatas in American Beauty.)

Debra Messing (I love how there's an episode revolved around how small her boobs are on "Will & Grace")

Gwen Stefani (she had really tiny boobs...now they're quite a bit bigger since she had her kids.)

Keira Knightley (Another person who has no boobs who I think is so pretty.)

Jack Attack is Lovin':

If you haven't noticed, I kind of like to make lists. It's a weird thing I do. I was trying to think of a new list I could come up with, and I decided I was going to make a list of things that I've been obsessed with lately. So...this is what the Jack Attack has been loving lately:

Coldplay. I have been listening to Coldplay A LOT the past month. I have quite a few of their albums: Parachutes, A Rush of Blood to the Head, and Viva la Vida. But I've been stuck on Viva la Vida most recently. I really like the song "Strawberry Swing." Check out the music video, it's a trip.

Potstickers. I have been on a real potstickers kick. It's all I want to eat all the time. So, I've been making and consuming a lot of potstickers lately.
Documentaries. I have been watching soooo many documentaries this past month. Here are the ones I enjoyed the most: The September Issue which follows the editor of Vogue (Anna Wintour, who inspired Meryl Streep's character in The Devil Wears Prada) as they plan their September layout, No Impact Man which follows a man and his family as they decide to live a year of their life completely green e.g. no motorized transportation, generating no trash, and not using toilet paper, and I also liked Waiting for Armageddon which is about a bunch of Evangelical Christians who believe the world is soon coming to an end. One documentary has been on my Netflix queue for months, but there's such a long wait list I haven't gotten it yet! It's entitled The Cove, and it won Best Documentary at the last Academy Awards. It investigates the fishing industry in Japan and how they are slaughtering dolphins. I really want to watch it, but I guess I just have to wait for that one.


"Big Love." I just started watching this television series, but I'm already kind of obsessed with it. I can't wait until I get more discs in the mail from Netflix.

Celebrities Back When & Now That

Mickey Rourke back when he was sexy:

Mickey Rouke now that it looks like you could smell him from 10 feet away:
Kathleen Turner back when she was a smoldering seductress:

Kathleen Turner now that she has turned into a man:
Val Kilmer back when he was hot enough to be the Ice Man:

Val Kilmer now that he has become 8 months pregnant:
Janice Dickinson back when she was a beautiful model:
Janice Dickinson now that she had a plastic surgeon make her look like a freak:

A Look Through Media at Women in the Middle East

I watched a really intense movie last night. It was called The Stoning of Soraya M. and it was extremely powerful. I've always kind of had an interest in regards to women in the Middle East. Back in my freshman year of high school, I read a biography entitled Princess: A True Story of Life Behind the Veil in Saudi Arabia which was written by American-born Jean Sasson who related the story of a woman she met while in Saudi Arabia. I hadn't known much about women's rights in the Middle East before then, and that book really opened my eyes. Since then, I've had a desire to learn more. I read Reading Lolita in Tehran a few years ago, which is amazing, by the way. Once I'm finished reading my current book (The Collected Stories of F. Scott Fitzgerald...I find everything he writes absolutely delicious) I'm planning on reading a book my mom just sent me in the mail entitled Unveiling Islam, which is more of a look inside Muslim life and beliefs than a focus on women's rights, but I'm interested in learning more about that, as well.

Have you ever seen the movie Not Without My Daughter? It will totally freak you out. It's based on a true story of an American woman (played by the amazing Sally Field) who was married to a Middle Eastern man who had immigrated to the United States. She and her husband and daughter go to the Middle East to visit her husband's relatives, and her husband decides they are going to stay there... permanently. This woman can't bring her daughter back to the United States with her, because Islamic law states that her husband has full custody and he gets to keep her. She loses all of her rights in that foreign land. It's frightening, and you should watch it.

The movie I watched last night was based on a true story concerning a woman named Soraya, who lived in Iran and had a husband who wanted to divorce her so he could marry a fourteen year old girl. She refused to get a divorce because she knew there was no way she would be able to support her family without his financial help (because he wouldn't pay her anything once they were divorced). Her husband rallies other men in the village to figure out what they can do to convince Soraya to divorce him. They offer her a job cleaning a man's house...that way she can earn her own money and eventually divorce him when she has made enough to live on her own.

So, Soraya works for this man, knowing this is the only way out of her abusive marriage (her husband regularly beats her) while still being able to take care of her children. Well, her husband says that the wait is too long for her to save enough money, and he wants to get rid of her. He asks his friend to help convince the people in the town that his wife is having an affair with the man whose house she is cleaning. A woman cheating on her husband is considered a serious offense, and is punishable by death under Islamic law.

Soraya's husband convinces his friends to say that they saw his wife with this other man, and he even goes to the man and threatens to kill him and put his son (who is mentally challenged) in an institution if he doesn't tell everyone that he had an affair with his wife. The man is frightened, so he tells everyone they had an affair, even though it is nowhere close to the truth. The men in the town have a trial, declaring Soraya guilty of adultery, and have decreed she must die.

As you can guess by the title of the film, she is stoned to death. I knew people were stoned to death in the Middle East, but I always just pictured it as the person running around and people throwing rocks at them. This is not the case. They buried her waist deep into the ground, and tied her arms behind her back, leaving her completely helpless.

Like I said, I knew from the beginning of the film what was coming, but when the scene came where they showed her being stoned to death, I lost my shit. I started bawling. (And I am not a crier.) At first, they take turns throwing rocks at her, beginning with her own father. After that, her husband throws a rock that hits her right in the head, sending blood down her entire face. Then, her two sons both take rocks and hit her with them. Then, all the men in the village begin throwing stones at her. It was so brutal. To think that something like that happened . . . is still happening . . . makes me feel sick. To think that we, as human beings, can inflict that kind of pain on another person, and get enjoyment out of watching them suffer, is sickening.

The husband never even ended up marrying the fourteen year old girl, and the town soon found out that the alleged affair had been a lie. But no one seems to be too upset about it except Soraya's aunt. The day after the stoning, a French journalist was passing through the village, and Soraya's aunt tells him the entire story, because she wants the world to know what happened. The journalist tapes her recounting of the entire event, but when the men of the village find out, they try to steal it from him. He eventually gets away with tape intact and that is how Soraya's story is known.

Is that not the most awful thing you've ever heard? When I hear about these horrible events, it makes me want to do something, but what, I don't know. What can I do? The change has to come from within that society, and I don't see that happening. One thing is for sure, it makes me grateful that I was born in the US of A, baby. Sure, we have our problems, but we have a lot to be thankful for.

all about hoarding

As you may remember, I have an obsession with the television show Hoarders. I was checking out my Netflix, and I saw that it came out on DVD recently, so that immediately was at the top of my queue. I eagerly awaited its arrival, and I have been watching Hoarders Season 1 since. Actually, I watched the whole thing already. It was amazing.

Some episodes were definitely better than others, but there was one woman that I considered to be the worst of them all. I would say they're all pretty bad, and a lot of them are so disturbing on account of how disgusting their house gets, but this woman's hoarding problem was shocking not because of how filthy her house was, but because she had more stuff piled in her house than anyone...EVER.

When they piled all of the stuff from her garage out into her yard, it was shocking how much was laid out there. And she wouldn't/couldn't part with most of it. So they ended up packing away most of the stuff in boxes, and sent them off to multiple storage units she had decided to rent. They said there was over 1400 boxes of stuff in those units. Is that not absolutely crazy?

 

At the beginning of every episode, there is some text that says there are more than 3 million people who have a problem with hoarding. That's a lot. I'm sure the majority of them are not to the state of the people on the show...that they have a more manageable hoarding problem. It got me thinking about the people I know and whether or not they have problems with hoarding.

Okay, from what I gather from the television show, people seem to hoard for four different reasons: 1. the stuff has sentimental value to them, they have an emotional attachment to it or they keep it to help them remember things 2. they think the objects are valuable or can be sold with some repair work done, so they keep them because they think they are worth value 3. they are convinced that the things they collect will be useful to them someday 4. they just never learned how to deal with handling their possessions, and so they let it accumulate (to me, this seems like the worst excuse ever, but, it is what it is).

My mom would probably kill me for writing this (so don't tell her) but she has a small hoarding problem. Her hoarding falls under reasons number 1 and number 2 above. She has a bigger problem with reason number 2. She hoards magazines and TV guides that are years and years old, because she thinks they will be worth something someday. She literally has stacks and stacks of magazines. Most of them she moved into the attic because my aunt told her she needed to get rid of them, and my mom couldn't part with them, so she stashed them away where no one could see them up in the attic.

I think she's like any other mom in that she keeps a lot of me and my brother's childhood things, but they're all packed away in boxes in the attic. She also saves cards for sentimental reasons. I'm talking birthday cards or Christmas cards, whatever the occasion, if she really likes the card or it's from someone special, she dates the back of it and stores it away. But, believe me, her house does not look all cluttered and messy. She is very organized in her (minor) hoarding.

I'm not going to let myself off the hook, though. The more I thought about whether or not I had any issues with hoarding, I came to realize that mine has to do with recyclables. Since I am having trouble recycling items here in Colorado, I have been keeping them in garbage bags and different bins, just letting them accumulate into a giant mass. I guess part of it is reason number 2, because I know we can get money for turning them in, but that's a very small part. Really, it's more reason number 1. I know that sounds strange that I have an emotional attachment to recyclables, but I really, honestly, cannot throw them away. I literally can't do it. When it's gotten to the point that something had to be done, they were thrown into the garbage and it made me feel so bad...really, really BAD. I just hated knowing they were in the trash. But then I start collecting them again. So, see? I have a problem, too. (Even though I think mine is a little different, because if I COULD recycle them I would get rid of them.)

How about you? What do you hoard?

What'd you learn in school today?

Don't you think it's weird, the things that we retain from our education? I will be the first to admit that I've probably lost a TON of knowledge that I've learned over the years. I think the little tid-bits of information we do manage to hold on to is interesting. Why do we remember this, but not that?

The earliest pieces of information I can remember learning are from the second grade. I can remember learning the different colors by their Spanish names, but the only one I retained was red, which is rojo. The rest I forgot. When we were learning about the weather, I can still to this day, remember the names of the different clouds. Isn't that weird? There's nimbus, the really dark storm clouds, then stratus, the gray rain clouds, there's cumulous, the big ,white, puffy clouds, and cirrus, the wispy, feathery ones. I also remember learning about evaporation, and that between two jars filled with the same amount of water, the one with the wider mouth will evaporate faster. (Common sense dictates this, now, but for a second grader, it was difficult. The point I'm making is that it's funny I even remember this little evaporation test. Our teacher had us guess which would evaporate faster and I had no idea, so I said the one with the smaller mouth would and I was bummed when I was wrong. I think that's why I remember it so well.)

In high school, I remember learning from my science teacher, that when you turn on a fan, it doesn't change the temperature of the room. The room doesn't become cooler, it just feels cooler to us because the air is being displaced. Every time I turn on a fan, this little piece of information always enters my mind for a fleeting second.

In a sociology class I took back at my junior college (I totally loved Sociology, I'm contemplating minoring in it) I learned a lot of really interesting things. The pieces of information that come back to me the most when I'm people watching involve couples, though. I learned that interracial couples are not very common (less than 6% of married couples are interracial) - that people tend to marry people of their own race. I also learned that couples usually have the same degree of attractiveness, and that many times, (I forgot the sociologic term for it) people choose mates that are close enough to their own appearance that they look like they could be siblings. Strange, isn't it? I'm always reflecting on this stuff whenever I am watching people in public. (I'm not creepy. Who doesn't like to people watch?)

Another thing I think about a lot was something I learned in a psychology class. I read that a lot of times, when we dislike someone, it is because we see traits in them that we deny/repress in ourselves. In other words, that person has some sort of personality trait that we see in ourselves that we don't like. Whenever I find myself disliking someone in one of my classes or wherever, I flashback to that piece of information. It kind of blows my mind, sometimes. The opposite is true, as well. People that we choose to be friends with, are people that we see as having the same traits that we embrace within ourselves. Basically, our entire lives, we are reflecting ourselves in the mirrors of others. The deeper I let my mind go into it, the more tripped out I get. (Psychology is an insane thing. I was thinking about becoming a psych major a few years ago, but as I delved deeper into it, I came to realize that I would, quite literally, become crazy if I continued studying it.)

What weird facts did you retain from school?

Neighbor-Dogs

I try to take my dogs on walks as often as I can. I walk them to a near-by park and let them run around off their leashes as I sit down and read a book. During our walks, we come across other neighborhood dogs that I have made nic-names for. Want to meet them?

First, there is our neighbor's dog who I call the Evil Dog (I'll blog about it some other time) who ferociously barks and batters against his side of the fence as we go by. Then, on the corner of our street, there are the two dogs that I have dubbed Bizarro Ellie and Bizarro Sophie. (You know, like Seinfeld? Where there are characters who physically look like George, Jerry, and Kramer, but there personalities are complete opposites?) Anyway, these two dogs look similar to my dogs, with one being a medium-sized, blond Golden Retriever (Sophie) and the other a small, white, hairy counterpart (Ellie). Everytime we go by, they bark at us incessantly as my dogs have learned to politely ignore them.

There's also a dog right near the Bizarros I refer to as The Spazz because he spastically throws himself against his living room window in an attempt to reach us. Then, there's a dog that I like to call Sophie's Boyfriend. He is only out in his yard every once in a while, so we don't get to see him that much, but when we do, oh my goodness. Sophie is beside herself when she sees this dog. She tries to cross the street to get to him, and she cries and whimpers because she wants to go see him so badly. She won't stop craning her neck to look at him until we have rounded the corner and he's out of sight. Oh, puppy love.

When we get back from our walk, our other neighbor's dog is usually waiting on his side of the chain-link fence, watching for our return. This dog is one of the cutest dogs I've ever seen. He's a little skittish around people, but he's warmed up to me and I was able to read his name tag. His name is Koko. What kind of name is that for a boy dog? So instead, I affectionately call him Bruiser. He's full of character. He is able to jump over to our side of the fence by using a stump, and he performs very interesting tricks with his rope-loop toy. He flings it into the air with his mouth, and then catches it around his neck. I was impressed the first time I saw him do it. He sometimes sits atop his stump and watches me if I'm doing something outside. I don't like his owners very much, though, because I never see them play with him and he's always alone. They leave their gate open all the time, and as a result, I've caught him in the middle of the street more than once. I've had to herd him back to safety into his own yard. He's pretty cute, though, that Bruiser. Here's a picture of him supervising my outdoor work:
And those are our neighbor-dogs.

Concerns for Old Lady Jackie

After recently slipping and falling out of the shower where I proceeded to hit my head on the toilet and thoroughly bang my knee up on the bathroom floor, I've given considerate thought to my future well-being as an elderly woman. The first thing that popped into my mind after this incident was: Good thing I'm not old, or else I would've been like one of those elderly people you see in those Life Call commercials where there's an old person lying on the floor saying "I've fallen and I can't get up." Don't know what I'm talking about? Check this out:

I've been thinking about the kind of old person I will most likely be, considering rapidly deteriorating bone mass and my history of falling down, my outcome looks bleak. Let's look over my long history of utter clumsiness and gracelessness:

It all begins with age 3, where my earliest memories revolve around moments of my lack of coordination. I fell into a pool, where I surely would've drowned, if some stranger hadn't jumped in to save me. Then there was the time I was at the park, and I climbed the ladder to the slide all the way to the top, only to somehow manage to topple down, face first into the sand below. Well, one might argue, I was three years old, of course there are going to be accidents like this. Let's proceed...


In middle school, during a relay race, I fell down on the track during the district finals. Now, in all fairness, this one wasn't really my fault. Anyone who has a knowledge of baton transferring knows there's an improper and a proper way to do it, and it just so happened that the girl behind me transferred the baton the improper way, leading to my fall in front of hundreds. I got back up and finished the race, but the second I crossed the finish line I broke down and started bawling from sheer embarrassment. Oh, poor middle school Jackie, how were you to know there were (are) so many more future public falls coming your way? This one, at least, wasn't my fault. I can't say that for the others.


Next, my very first day in high school, during Freshman orientation, I somehow managed to fall between the bleachers. To make it more embarrassing, this was right in front of the senior guys. One of them noticed my fall and asked, "Oh, man. Are you okay?" In which I meekly nodded my head and hid my face for the rest of the orientation.


Still freshman year in high school: One day after school got out, I was walking across the campus to where my brother would pick me up from school, when I tripped over a log that anyone could see a mile away (including me, but somehow my brain telling my foot to step over the log was lost somewhere in my synapses). I quickly scrambled back to an upright position, placed my hands on either side of my face to avoid the looks of the rest of the student body, and practically ran to my brother's truck. While heading to his truck (I would only look straight ahead of me) I could see right into my brother's windshield where he was pointing and laughing at me. Thanks, brother.


Sophomore year in high school: I participated in track during high school. Strange to think I would do this since running relies on good balance, but run I did. During regionals, I raced in the 100 meter dash. Who knows how I did this, but I managed to trip over nothing but my own two feet during the race. There, in front of the entire county, I fell down in a very public way. I got up and finished the race, where people gathered around me to ask if I was okay. I was embarrassed, but otherwise I thought I was fine. This was until I looked down at my leg, where the entire right side of my shin was skinned, leaving raw nerves exposed. This lead to my leg scabbing up in a very unattractive way, with tons of little leg hairs that I couldn't shave poking out of the scab for months. To this day, if you look closely enough, that part of my shin is a little discolored from the rest of my leg.


Senior year in high school: I told my parents I was going out for a run. I put on my Nike running pants and headed off to the soccer field where I planned on running some laps. It had rained a couple days before, so the field had some muddy parts. Wouldn't you know I slipped on the grass and slid right into a very muddy patch. Luckily, there wasn't anyone to witness this, but the most humiliating part was coming back home. I remember walking through the door, entirely covered in mud, hoping my parents wouldn't notice. My dad looked at me, took in my appearance, and asked what happened. I told him I slipped and fell at the field. He shook his head and laughed, and said something to the effect of "I should've known."


Still senior year in high school: I fell down some stairs at a party. It caused quite a commotion. I blamed it on the heels/drinks, but really, I just fell down the stairs. Plain as that.


A couple years ago, I was running around my house getting ready for work. I was wearing pantyhose and I hadn't put my shoes on yet, so my feet were slipping around on our hardwood floor. I was running down the hallway, when I lost control and slid across the floor right into the doorway. I hit my knee HARD. I remember writhing on the floor in pain, holding back tears. I was holding my knee and rocking back and forth while my boyfriend sleepily asked what the commotion was all about as my two dogs got right in my face, seeming to ask me if I was okay. I kid you not, I had a bruise on my knee for an entire year. I swear! I'm not making this up. To this date, it's the longest running bruise I've ever had. And I've had quite a few.


There's a decline in accidents, but that's more to the fact that I've become less and less active since high school. I'm sure there's been many more in my life, but these are the ones that stand out to me. As you can see, I think I need to worry for my older self. I should probably invest in Life Call.

My Beef with Colorado

I moved to Colorado a few months ago from California, and so far I don't really have any strong opinions about the state. I haven't exactly fallen in love with it here, but I don't dislike it, either. I've maintained a fairly neutral disposition, with the exception of a few grievances. Here is my short list of:

"The things about Colorado that kind of suck"

Numero uno: There's no In-N-Out. That is a pretty big mark against Colorado, right there. After having an In-N-Out restaurant literally a few blocks away from my house in California, I came to depend on my animal-style cheeseburger at least once a week. Imagine my horror when I settled into Colorado and discovered the closest In-N-Out was 534 miles away. (That is entirely accurate, I map-quested it.) What a giant burger bummer.

Numero dos: The state of Colorado makes recycling way too difficult. In California, the city provided me a bin to put my recycling in, and would come and pick it up along with my trash. If you did recycle, they would give a credit on your next trash bill. In Colorado, you have to pay for the city to come pick up your recycling and they don't provide a bin. I didn't want to do that, so I saved all of my recycling, hauled giant bags of glass, plastic, and aluminum into my car, located the closest recycling service, and drove there to do my good deed for the day. When I got there and I started unloading my giant bags of noisy, clinking, glassy goods, the worker informed me that they only accepted aluminum. When I asked what I was supposed to do with my glass and plastic, I received a shrug in response. So I headed back home with my unwanted bottles and did a search on the internet to find a recycling center that did accept glass and plastic. I found most of them don't, but I did find one in downtown Denver that did. So I headed off to downtown with my trusty bags in tow, only to find that this particular center required $20 just to park in their facility to unload your recycling. Well, forget that! I'm trying to do my part in keeping our Earth clean, and instead of the state making it easy to recycle, it's one giant pain in the ass. California 2 Colorado 0.

Numero tres (and the last one on the list): This is in regards to legislature in Colorado pertaining to meat. I watched the documentary Food Inc. a couple weeks ago, and it mentioned that Colorado has a law in which it is illegal to talk about the quality of meat here. Well, this made me curious, so I decided to do a little research into this matter. To be completely honest, I haven't been able to find out much. The law is called Colorado's Food Disparagement Law and it is a CRIMINAL statute. (I don't know much about the law, really, but the fact that Colorado makes this a criminal offense instead of a civil infraction is pretty crazy, I think.) This is the law written out:

COLO. REV. STAT. ANN. (Criminal) Sect. 35-31-101

sect. 35-31-101. Destruction of food prohibited

It is unlawful for any person, firm, partnership, association, or corporation or any servant, agent, employee, or officer thereof to destroy or cause to be destroyed, or to permit to decay or to become unfit for use or consumption, or to take, send, or cause to be transported out of this state so to be destroyed or permitted to decay, or knowingly to make any materially false statement, for the purpose of maintaining prices or establishing higher prices for the same, or for the purpose of limiting or diminishing the quantity thereof available for market, or for the purpose of procuring, or aiding in procuring, or establishing, or maintaining a monopoly in such articles or products, or for the purpose of in any manner restraining trade, any fruits, vegetables, grain, meats, or other articles or products ordinarily grown, raised, produced, or used in any manner or to any extent as food for human beings or for domestic animals.


Now, what this means, I'm not exactly sure. The term "materially false statement" in regards to your food seems fairly subjective, don't you think? According to the documentary I watched, criticizing the quality of your food (especially beef) or the way that cattle is raised or fed, or by saying anything that the beef industry doesn't like, you can face criminal charges. I have trouble deciphering whether or not that is the case when reading that legal jargon, but if I can really get in trouble with the law for criticizing or questioning the food that goes into my body, that is absolutely ridiculous. That's an infringement of my first amendment rights, and that law should be abolished. If anyone knows more about this, I would love to hear about it. Let me know!

And that is "The things about Colorado that kind of suck" list.